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Funny Paper

¡Porque es muerto!

Sept. 30-Oct. 6, 2002

By Scocca & MacLeod | Posted 10/9/2002

YOU CAN CLICK THAT AGAIN! DEP'T: Wednesday, in Willy 'n Ethel, Willy is exiled to watch TV instead of helping with his nephew's homework. "Click click click," goes the remote in his hand. In Luann, Luann prepares for her writing assignment. "Click," goes her mechanical writing instrument. In One Big Happy, Ruthie thinks a goat herder on TV is a "goat hurter." "Take that, BAD MAN!" she hollers, with a "click!" of the remote. Friday, in The Phantom, the president shuts his bedroom door with a "CLICK!"

YOU CAN SILENTLY HOG THE CLICKER AGAIN! DEP'T.: Tuesday, in The Lockhorns, Leroy smiles vacantly at the football game on the screen, as Loretta tells a guest, "Leroy always wins time of possession for the TV remote." Immediately above, in Kudzu, the Rev. Will B. Dunn tells a bride and groom, "Love shareth the TV remote."

HENPECKED DEP'T.: "I can't go, Herbie," Leroy Lockhorn says into the phone on Wednesday. "In the battle of the sexes, I'm a P.O.W." Friday in Herb & Jamaal, Herb gets bawled out by his wife without saying a word. "I know what you're thinking," she yells, "and you better not do it!!" Saturday in Blondie, Dagwood and Herb flip a coin to see who has to tell their wives that they're playing cards. Meanwhile, in Beetle Bailey, the general leers at bare-shouldered women at a party. "'Even dieters are allowed to look at the menu,' dear," he tells Martha. "Then we're leaving the restaurant, dear!" she snaps, yanking him away by the collar.

MARMADUKE: Monday, Marmaduke goes over to the neighbor's house and lies on the settee. Friday, Marmaduke lies on the bed and snores.

CLASSIC PEANUTS: Snoopy receives "a coded message from the Head Beagle": "Thompson is in trouble," he reads. You're telling us?.

GARFIELD: Monday, Garfield lies on the floor. Tuesday, Garfield lies on the floor. Thursday, Odie shows up with a female friend. At the sight, Garfield petitions the Lord or Jim Davis, take yer pick, with an abortifacient prayer. Saturday, Odie eats a bowl of rocks.

LUANN: Monday, in gym, Luann cold-cocks Tiffany in the back of the dome with a volleyball serve. Did we mention that the problem with Luann is Luann? Tuesday, bitter Luann tries to undermine Tiffany's accomplishment of being voted "most beautiful" in the yearbook. "Tiffany, doesn't it bother you to be judged for how you look and not for what you do?" "Hello?" Tiffany says, after a pause. "What I do is look beautiful." Tiffany has a perfectly harmonious self-image. Wednesday, Luann sets about writing an essay on "My Favorite Childhood Memory": "The Day I Fell for Aaron Hill," she writes. Ugh. Thursday and Friday, in flashback mode, the third-grade version of Luann vies with the third-grade version of Tiffany to be Aaron's official get-acquainted buddy. Little Luann ends up snarling at Little Tiff under her breath, leading the teacher to anoint Tiffany--"the polite person"--as Aaron's companion. Seems sensible and just to us.

CURTIS: Curtis' dad moves a refrigerator in search of a stray potato and throws his back out. The half of Funny Paper just diagnosed with arthritis of the neck and a protruding lumbar disk is becoming less and less amused by the "Curtis' dad screws up his back" gags. Saturday, confined to bed, Mr. Wilkins surrenders to the inevitable and lets Curtis turn the TV to a showing of Booty Call. "Today on 'Oprah,' they discuss different cures for yeast infection," Curtis reads from the TV listings, sealing the deal.

THE MIDDLETONS: Monday, Morris tells the boys he suffers from "Iliotibial band, sciatica, plantar fasciitis." Neither half of Funny Paper, whether in pain or not, has ever been amused by the "Morris Middleton has pain gags." Saturday, Morris watches football on TV and hollers at the screen.

KUDZU: Monday, asked to tell the class what he did over the summer, extremely infrequently appearing teenaged character Tet Chin says, "I worked ten hours a day at the family restaurant . . . attended the governor's school for the arts, committed to memory the Bhagavad Gita, mastered the cello, and broke new ground in semiotic theory!" Maurice, meanwhile, shined shoes, played basketball, fucked white women, and ate watermelon till he was fit to burst.

ZIGGY: "...If that's your vacation budget," offers the helpful gal at the Acme Travel Agency on Monday, "we'll just let you hang around and look at the posters for a couple of hours." First of all, when's the last time anybody went to a travel agency? And saw a "travel poster?" Secondly, hey Zig, howabout China?

NON SEQUITUR: Monday, it's "The Business Fundamentalist": "Y'know, there was a time when corporate responsibility meant having the decency to jump out of a window when you got caught." They jumped out the windows because they were broke, dumbass.

HERB & JAMAAL: "Here comes ol' Jeff," Herb groans to himself Monday. "He's such a dim bulb!" Tuesday, ol' Jeff the dim bulb says he broke his arm raking leaves. "I fell out of the tree!" What do you do when you can't tell Polack jokes anymore? You turn 'em into dumb-white-guy jokes. Wednesday, Herb says that ol' Jeff the dim bulb "gets stuck for an answer when someone says 'Hello.'"

HI & LOIS: "I'm working on a family comic strip for my generation!" Chip says proudly on Friday. "All those little symbols are swearwords!" Sunday, Ditto sheds his helmet on the football field. It's not a game-destroying 15-yard penalty in Pop Warner, evidently.

BLONDIE: Monday, a parrot learns to cuss by biting Dagwood on the nose, then repeating the string of little swear-symbols his victim hollers. Blondie: family comic strip for a new generation! Friday, Dagwood tells the kids of Cousin Leo, the geographer. "His book made geographic history," he says. "What was it called, Daddy?" Cookie asks. "Poland--Gateway to the Orient," Dag says.

MOTHER GOOSE & GRIMM: Grimm gets sent to a pet psychiatrist. "During the day, how do you decide what to do next?" the bald, bearded, tiny-glasses-wearing shrink asks. "I just ask myself, 'What would Scooby Doo?'" replies Grimm, who is somehow capable of human speech this week. Scooby Doo would crap whatever parts of you he was unable to digest all over Mike Peters' lawn.

B.C.: "Word has it that your free agent superstar is already on the disabled list," sportscaster Peter says to baseball manager Willy on Thursday. "That's why he demanded a handicap parking place in his new contract!" the skipper exclaims.

MARY WORTH: Silas Smedlap broods about how his daughter betrayed him and took his Cape Cod restaurant, Smitty's. "When Connie decided to turn the only chop house in Chatham into a X#!@#* tea room," he fumes Thursday, "I said 'Over my dead body! . . . You can have the whole #X%X(%)% place'!" Sunday, he turns up his nose at the Bumboat's bill of fare. "There's nothin on this menu but X%#X@X fish!" he snaps. "Where's the meat?!?" Mary Worth: family strip for a new generation.

MARK TRAIL: Monday, Anne notices her pussy sure has more energy. Tuesday, Mark and Cherry talk about Anne's pussy. "I'd like to have a few more pictures," Mark says. Wednesday, Mark calls Anne and asks to take more pictures of her pussy. Thursday, Anne pets what she thinks is her pussy, while telling Trail it's "getting a big head." Mark says the pussy "seems more active than when I was last here!" Friday, Anne tells Mark about all the wonderful things her friend Jim Cole did for her pussy. She and her pussy, she says, think Jim is a nice young man. Saturday, Mark Trail, having completed his task of photographing Anne's youthful pussy, takes time to talk to Anne's pussy while stroking it. Her pussy. P-U-S-S-Y. Pussypussypussy.

Sunday's featured plant: the moist, pink, vaginal pitcher plant. Its yawning mouth is doom.

THE PHANTOM: Monday, the Ghost Who Definitely Gets His Rocks Off by Scaring the Shit out of Everybody comes creeping into President Luaga's bedroom. Tuesday, he touches the President gently and murmurs in his ear, to Luaga's alarm. Wednesday, Luaga orders tea brought to the room, then shuts the bedchamber door before the butler can see in.

Sunday, with the wife and kids away, the Phantom declares, "I need some diversion!" Wake up, Mr. President! But no, the Ghost has other ideas. "To Eden, Devil!" he exclaims. We repeat: "To Eden, Devil!" Next week: Genesis 3:1-15.

DENNIS THE MENACE: Friday, Dennis and Gina get their own Genesis 3:1-15 on. "For a girl, you sure have a lot of good ideas, Gina," Dennis says, munching on an apple as they lounge in the branches of a fruit-laden tree.

APARTMENT 3-G: FBI Pete tries to talk Lu Ann through her agoraphobia. Hey, G-Man, aren't there some other folks you should be trying to get out in the open?

REX MORGAN, M.D.: June Gale Morgan, R.N./P.I., smooth-talks her way into the apartment of armed robbers Bud and Holly. Bud is still out getting a haircut.

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE: Liz continues student-teaching among the Ojibway. Wednesday, she fails to heed a fellow teacher's pep talk about dynamic instructional technique. "I love the guys who are keen an' expressive, man, like -- I stay awake, I get pumped!" the teacher says. "I get into it, an' I really wanna learn!" "I had a prof like that, once," Liz says listlessly. For worse!

BEETLE BAILEY: Thursday, Beetle laments the job security in the Army. "No matter how I goof up," he tells Lt. Flap, "I can't get fired."

FAMILY CIRCUS: "I'm growin' up fast," Billy says Tuesday. "I just read a book that didn't have any pictures in it." This is Billy, age SEVEN. He can read a book. Funny Paper can't wait till he's potty trained, too. Wednesday, Dolly comes in with tidings of death. "The Boyds' cat died, so they planted him in their back yard," she says. Sunday, it's Bil Keane himself who has intimations of mortality. Dolly and Jeffy show Grandma their ages, five and three, in fingers. "Now, Grandma, you show us how many fingers old you are!" Dolly says. Grandma stares at her hands, imagining a swarm of other hands fading away into the distance above her head. Underneath, the signature reads, "Jeff and Bil Keane (80 fingers old yesterday)."

IN THEIR OWN WORDS: The Rev. Franklin Graham?

ONE BIG HAPPY: Thursday, Ruthie does time out and emerges punished, but not rehabilitated. "I hope you've learned your lesson," her mother says. "Yes, Mom," she says. "That timeout was very timeoutful." "Really? What have you learned?" "I learned that if you hum the same song for a very long time, you can give yourself a headache! . . . And the back of your throat hurts, too!"

PRINCE VALIANT: Nathan goes diving to explore the underwater city, only to be captured, along with Aleta, by the underwater city people. The underwater city is an underwater jungle.

SHOE: Thursday, Skyler ignores the Perfesser. Funny Paper ignores the Perfesser all week long.

JUMBLE: IT WAS A "DRAG," A "DIRTY" TRICK, AUTUMN, IT'S "UPLIFTING," A HOUSE OF "CARDS," THE ROAD TO FITNESS.

THE BOONDOCKS: Huey writes to the president to try to stop him from invading Iraq. "First of all," he writes on Wednesday, "the administration on 'The West Wing' would never EVER do what you're about to do." Yeah, that What Would Jed Bartlet Do argument worked great for tax policy, didn't it? Funny Paper fears that George W. is more likely to follow Ruthie's example of "Take that, BAD MAN!"--"click!"

ZIPPY: Monday, crybaby Bill Griffith keeps whining about how he couldn't get what he wanted in Hollywood. Griffy gos so far as to take the name of Randy Quaid in vain. What did Randy Quaid do to deserve this? Randy Quaid was in Freaked, for fuck's sake! Get back to the roadside Americana crapola, and don't fuck with the Randy Quaid. Saturday, Griffy makes a complete mockery of the life and works of bluesman Robert Johnson. Bill Griffith has a heckhound on his trail.

JUMP START: Joe offends Crunchy by referring to Clarence as his best friend. Then Joe learns that Clarence considers his wife his best friend, while Crunchy gives the honor to his dog, Snoog-a-Boo.

GASOLINE ALLEY: Monday, the blare of popular music from a boombox wakes Slim from his nap. This is what popular music sounds like in Jim Scancarelli's world: "HUNKA CHUNK, RAP DAP DO." Thursday and Friday, the hotel housekeeping crew mistakes Slim for a corpse, then for a drunkard. Then they just sweep around him. Like Cormac McCarthy, Scancarelli does not provide translation:

--?Que es su problema, muerto?
--¡No, esta borracha!
--¡Ten cuidado con esto!
--¿Por que?
--¡Porque es muerto!
--¡Eso es!
--¡Ay! ¡Ay! ¡Ay!

But thanks to advanced computer technology, Funny Paper is never at a loss to understand languages:

--Is its problem, dead?
--No, this drunkard!
--Ten taken care of with this!
--So that?
--Because he is dead!
--That is!
--Ay!


FUN-EGG PAPER INVEST-EGG-ATION OF THE COLL-EGG-TIBLE EGGERS

FAMILY, PART THREE, THIRD IN A SERIES, ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES A LADY:

EGGS-AMPLES:

FRUIT SEL-EGG-TION
ER-EGG-TOR SET
EGGS BENEDICT
AN-EGG-STESIA
EGG-SIS
L-EGG-TERN
EGG-TOPLASM
FETTUCCINI EGG-FREDO
CARE T-EGG-CKER
N-EGG-LIGE
EGG CUP
ORN-EGG-MENT
SP-EGG-CKLED
OX-EGG-GYN MASK
INTROSP-EGG-CT
BAND-EGG-AGES
TEL-EGG-VISION REPORTER
IND-EGGS FINGER
EGGS-ERCISING
EGG-RICULTURE
COSM-EGG-TOLOGY
R-EGG-ULATE
CROSS EGGS-AMINE
AL-EGG-GATOR
EL-EGG-ROMAGNETIC
AMER-EGG-CAN
SP-EGG-TACULAR
DEF-EGG-TIVE
OPTOM-EGG-TRY
EGG-SPENSES
DEL-EGG-CATE
EGGS-CLAMATION POINT
EGGS-AGERATE
EGG-CENTRIC
EGG-GRESSIVE
EGG-QUIVALENT WEIGHT
FLAM-EGG-ABLE

NEXT WEEK: EGG-STRAPOLATION!

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