Alone in the Dark
“Alone in the dark” is what you’re gonna be you if you decide to sit in front of director Uwe Boll’s (House of the Dead) agonizing mashup of some X-Files-, Buffy-, and Alien-style crapola. Christian Slater continues his sad, greasy slide into the demidarkness of Hollywood B-career oblivion as he portrays one Edward Carnby, a, um, paranormal investigator who knows karate and rocks an International Male-style tank top under his duster. He is paired with Tara Reid, who does not get her tits out, opting instead to model spectacles. But, Christ, girlfriend can barely push the words out of her mouth. Tara-ble. Anyway, speaking of B-movie star power, Stephen Dorff helps fight monsters that look like the H.R. Giger alien crossed with a turtle and a dog. Can we work on some new monsters, please? Hey, try crossing something with Tara Reid.