A Michael Bay dystopian sci-fi flick is like a running back with an organic chemistry Ph.D.—it’s great he can discuss conformational enantiomorphism, but all you really want him to do is run clean over somebody. The Island starts off as visually stylized and gorgeous as The Cell, with futuro-looking beautiful people Lincoln Six Echo (Ewan McGregor) and Jordan Two Delta (Scarlett Johansson), two of many chosen few living in isolation after a contamination that almost destroyed humankind. A little human curiosity goes a long way for Lincoln, though, as he begins to question the whole setup and, as the trailer has unfortunately already disclosed, he and Jordan and all their pals are really just spare parts for their wealthy owners in the real world. And once Lincoln and Jordan make a break for it, the real Michael Bay comes in to send big-ass metal things flying off the backs of trucks to smash through cars, set signs falling 70 stories off buildings, and stage a chase on a jet ski-cum-flying motorcycle thingymadoo. It’s hollowly thrilling—neither humans nor clones are particularly appealing—and immediately forgettable. But, you know, would it just kill Hollywood to offer Djimon Hounsou a role not as the noble savage?