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Nick Cannon, what were you thinking? What was it about the role of Tracey Stokes, a walking stereotype of a young black man, that made you think, I want to get down with that? Surely it wasn’t the kazillionth redux of Beverly Hills Cop’s street black man in a rich white world. It couldn’t have been the 21 Jump Street shtick of Stokes going undercover at an affluent private school to investigate a student’s mysterious death. It mos def wasn’t a big paycheck, not when Tapestry Films is only shelling out enough dinero to land Cheech Marin as your on-screen mentor-cum-captain. Please say it wasn’t it just to get close to Puerto Rican hottie Roselyn Sanchez, the snooty school’s Spanish teacher, who develops a borderline inappropriate relationship with the undercover student. Repeat, please say you didn’t do it all for the nookie—because, even though shuffling and dancing is bad enough, the young African-American man as a slave to his dick is the one hateful nugget Underclassman didn’t fumble through during its intolerable 95 minutes. Fire your agent—today.

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