THE MOVIE Dirty Deeds was theoretically released in theaters last summer. Don’t remember it? Don’t worry. The only thing memorable about this pathetic, totally forgettable teen-sex romp is pity for Gilmore Girls brooder Milo Ventimiglia. Rory’s ex is better then Deeds deserves, and every time he brings some real emotion to the ridiculous plot you just want to rescue him. Directed by David Kendall—whose résumé features mostly TV shows like Even Stevens and That’s So Raven—and written using a teen-sex romp Madlib, Dirty Deeds didactically follows the genre’s tropes. There’s the everyman hero, Zach (Ventimiglia), the blow-hard vice principal (Everwood’s Tom Amandes), the mean jock (Matthew Carey), and the perfect girl, Meg (Lacey Chabert, continuing her career as the poor man’s Jennifer Love Hewitt).
The plot really doesn’t matter much: Zach is a loner who doesn’t care about anything except sexy valedictorian Meg. When Meg’s dorky little brother Kyle (Wes Robinson), decides to do the mythic “Dirty Deeds,” a school tradition that few people have ever completed, Zach steps in. Meanwhile, the jocks throw a party at a nerdy kid’s house and everyone tries to get laid. Good thing girls only exist to sexually pleasure boys or this whole subplot would be lost: A guy walks in on two topless girls making out, and rather then telling him to go away, they invite him in for lots and lots of sex. That’s right, guys, all you need to do to get some is open the right door at the right time.
The Deeds themselves start out reasonably—drink a beer in front of a cop—but quickly go to fantasyland as Zach must steal a dead body, a night watchman’s leg (don’t ask), and a car worth more than $100,000. Fortunately, Zach has guardian angels watching over him in the form of a gangster and a homeless man who turns out to be the only other guy to have ever completed the Deeds. Yeah, that last bit is part of the big surprise ending, but if you didn’t figure it out 10 minutes in, you probably can’t read this.
The DVD is retitled Dirtier Deeds, but the movie isn’t very dirty. The only gag-worthy moments involve pee drinking and a sex-with-food scene. When Meg flashes to help Zach out of a scrape, all we get is a shot of her collarbone and a disturbing attempt at a sexy face.
THE DISC The special features are pretty lackluster—a trailer, not very funny bloopers, a cast party in which Ventimiglia looks like he wants to burrow into the floor, and an extended take of the topless-girls scene. The behind-the-scenes interviews are the most entertaining thing here: Watching the actors try to discuss Deeds intelligently offers better acting and belly laughs than the movie. “The screenplay is very realistic,” Chabert deadpans. “Making that break into films, you become a little larger then, and I think it’s just, it creates almost a—fuck, I don’t know what I’m talking about,” Ventimiglia says in a fascinating moment of self-awareness. And Amandes laughs off a question on how he prepared for his role as the principal by saying, “I showed up, ate a cum sandwich, and left.”