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Mr. Wrong

Swizzlin' Summer

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 7/28/2010

Right now is my most favorite part of Summer in the City, the part where there's no holiday like 4th of July or the All-Star Game or whatever to prepare for, and nothing to do or think about except dealing with the heat and, congruently, figuring out where my next refreshing beverage is coming from, yeah-yeah-yeah.

I'm not necessarily talking about some alco-beverage, although this season I've already gone through a record amount of the Pimm's No. 1 for multi-doses of the refreshing and nutritious (on account of it contains fruit) "Pimm's Cup" cocktail, which is Educational (because it contains Ingredients) and not too high-octane in case you need to "maintain" as you are entertaining guests for some Slip 'N Slide® activity on the lawn or maybe, if you are blessed like me, some wet-hot above-ground pool action (no diving), but no glass or bottles around the pool, man, I already had to clean up some broken glass, and yeah it was mine, but whatever, no glass around the fucking pool, OK? I think Pimm's No. 1 is made out of gin and Eleven Herbs and Spices or whatever, you can look it up on the Internet or just find a bottle and read the fucking label. Here's my take on the Pimm's Cup:

In a large plastic cup from the 7-Eleven or McDonald's or whatever, or ideally one of those big double-walled clear "insulated" plastic cups (yes, plastic, because we are near the goddamn pool how many times I gotta tell you no glass? And no diving, OK?) put a whole bunch of crushed ice or ice cubes, but crushed ice is better because that way the cubes don't go KLUNK-ing against your teeth since you really don't drink this with a straw, I mean, I guess you could, but there's a lot going on rimside, as it were, and it's better to tilt the whole affair into your facehole. Crap, wait, before you do anything, you need to slice up some limes, some lemons, and some English cucumbers. Regular cucumbers will work, but I'm telling you, the aromatic nose-hit you get when you tilt this drink toward your face is not gonna be as profound with regular cukes, really, you gotta go and get those skinny English ones and don't buy too many because they go bad really fast. One should do it for like, three 750ml bottles of Pimm's. Yeah, three bottles, I got a lotta people here, man, you know how it is when you have a swimming pool, man, even one of these crappy above-ground joints. Where were we? You got the ice in? OK, now, pour in some Pimm's No. 1 up to about half way, then a little bit more (because it's good), then put in some lemonade, and look, don't go cheap here with that powdered Country Time® crap, jeez, man, that shit tastes like powdered soap, seriously, how can you drink that? Go ahead and Be Somebody and get the Newman's or at the least some of that frozen Minute Maid stuff, that's pretty good. Or make your own fucking lemonade, just don't do that Country dust, that stuff is horrible. Alright, anyway, put in lemonade about halfway up whatever space is left in the glass (and I mean that generically, as in container, not thing made outta glass, because: see above) and then dump in some sorta bubbly water like club soda or any kinda fizzy water. Hey, you know what kicks ass, lemonadewise, is that San Pellegrino stuff, and the bonus is it's got the fancy-pants San Pellegrino Italian fizz-water in it already, so you don't need the club soda, but it's kinda pricey. Man, I'm thirsty, aren't you? Yeah! OK, now you take a lemon slice and a lime slice and a coupla those English cucumber slices and if you got an orange lying around go ahead and cut that thing up too, and then you rub 'em all over the rim of the glass real good, and then jam 'em on the side of the glass, maybe throw in a cherry or a frozen grape, and hand that bad boy to somebody who will either be like, "What the fuck is this?" and then you get to tell them it is a "Pimm's Cup" and they need to hurry up, drink that shit, and Learn Something, or else they will be all like "Jesus Christ, how fucking long does it take you to make such a simple drink, did you drink two of them while you were making mine? Gimme. What, no real cherries, you got the carcinogenic red ones? Trying to kill me?"

But like I was saying, it's not Alcohol Always in the long hot summer, since I am an American, I also drink a lot of soda pop. Lately I been mainlining this "Mountain Dew Typhoon Tropical Punch of Mtn Dew," I think it is called, and I know it looks like maybe I have a lot of nerve telling people not to get the Country Time® lemonade when I'm advocating this Mtn Dew stuff with the Brominated Vegetable Oil in it, but this shit tastes good, man, not like powdered beverage, and plus it has caffeine in it, which we all know is an important Active Ingredient to the Summer Activities. I also drink a lotta Coke and Pepsi and Orange Crush and Fresca, which is really good if you cut it with iced tea like an Arnold Palmer or "Half and Half," if you will, but basically all I'm saying is another two cents a bottle taxed on to my bottle bill here in Baltimore ain't gonna break me, and I'm not gonna "drive out to the County" to save 24 cents on a 12-pack of Grape Crush, you know? No glass near the pool, that's all. Shit, we're outta limes.,

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