The Mr. Wrong column is now monthly
Yeah, that's the headline for my column, man, the column that used to be every other week, and then it was once every three weeks, and now it's once every four weeks, which is basically monthly, even though some months have five weeks in 'em. Whatever this column ends up being about this time will have to take a back seat to that headline, OK? Because that's the News, man. For me anyway, and it's my fucking column, OK? Monthly. Every four weeks. Once every four fucking weeks. And I know all the other columns are in the same boat, but this is my thing, man, complaining about shit, so I have the "scoop" on this or whatever, OK?
Normally, the headline for one's column is supposed to be informative (har!) or some kind of clever thing that refers to the inside part of the column, but since this thing is being pecked out infused, steeped, even, in hey-my-fucking-column-is-every-four-weeks-now, I will extend the usual Self-Indulgence of bitching about My Deal to the headline as well. And maybe the "readout," if I have anything to say about it. That's the part of the column that you don't get on the internet, where they (and you know who They are) take a sentence out of the column and run it real big so as to entice you into reading the rest of the smaller words, like hey this part is really interesting and you should read the smaller words around it, ok? A cherry on the Ice Cream Sundae of my Discontent, if you please, thank you.
I guess the "work" of crafting each new Mr. Wrong column is now even easier (if that could be possible, har!) because from now on I can ignore whatever is going on in the Real World and just poop out a pile of Mr. Wrong in advance, since I think pretty soon my topic, every time, every four weeks, will just be whatever fucking Holiday is coming up, because last time--that is, four weeks ago--my the Mr. Wrong column was about Memorial Day--well, sort of--and this time it so happens I will form my column into the shape of the imminent Fourth of July, one of my fave-rave holidays because there are no gifts, other than the gift of enjoying the semi-free but still pretty-free, mostly free, freedoms of America the Beautiful, on the Fourth of July, a day set aside for roasting weenies and shooting off fireworks and enjoying the Opportunity to do Nothing, which is what Freedom is all about. Plus: beer.
Look, man, I'm not one to wrap myself up in the flag unless I'm really cold or some other situation where it's an emergency, but since I live here, I gotta tell you I am totally into being an American, even with the War on Freedom and all the bad press with the Oil Spill that somehow makes us (as in U.S.) look bad. I can't explain why I feel like this is on America, this Oil Disaster, because shit like this happens all over the world, but this one--and I don't care if it's the "British Petroleum" company's oil well platform-thing that got exploded and is fucking up the Gulf of Mexico--this one seems like it is Our Fault, you know?
I mean, because it is, right? We fucking need oil, man, come on, I know the President of the United States of America made some noise about banning drilling for oil in the manner in which they drilled for oil and it all went horribly, horribly awry, but that didn't last long, that attempted ban, did it? C'mon, man, the POTUS knows he had to make an effort, ecology-protectionwise, but he totally fucking knew that shit wouldn't happen. Politics, man. He can talk all about kicking some ass someplace, but the ass that gets kicked will be presented in a bent-over fashion because the rest of what the ass is connected to is busy sucking oil out of the planet, you know? Of course this shit has to be fixed, but meanwhile, The Spice Must Flow, see?
Meanwhile, back on the ostensible topic of the Fourth of July--a week before, actually, the run-up to the Fourth of July, if you will--somebody got shot here in Baltimore's Inner Harbor, which is always an opportunity for all the News Freaks to freak out because there's like a kabillion crimes going on all over the fucking city, but when something bad happens in the Inner Harbor it's the end of fucking civilization as we know it. And look, outside of stealing a paycheck for writing this column every four weeks, I say Take a Bite Out of Crime, but sometimes the reporting on crime is just fucking annoying, man, and this time it's a double freakout because the shooter jumped on a new free "Circulator" bus after the shooting, so now all the reporters got to drag the fucking Circulator into this thing like it's a goddamn accomplice. "The shooter jumped on a Circulator! Aiieee!!"
Most of the time shooters just walk away, or drive a car, or maybe even ride a bike away from the scene of the crime, you know? Why is it always such a big deal when the criminal uses public transportation? And then on the teevee news they keep saying, "Well, there will be increased security for the Fourth of July at the Harbor." No kidding. What the fuck does that have to do with this? There's always more cops at the Harbor for the fireworks, man. Jeez. Anyway, see you in four fucking weeks.
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