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Ooh, Scary!

Halloween Masks III

It Wants the Airwaves

What better guise for begging door-to-door than that of would-be public-radio entrepreneur Marc Steiner? Disturb the sleep of Johns Hopkins University administrators as they dream of all the prosperous, successful buyers who had no inclination to relieve them of the burden of WJHU. So what if you have shaky funding, no administrative experience, and a distinctively self-centered sense of what should be on the air? If the JH is committed to dropping out of 'JHU, that leaves . . . U! Your public awaits! $4 million loan not included.

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Atomic Bride of Politics

Overload uranium with neutrons and you can set off a dangerous nuclear chain reaction. Overload a household with political connections and you set off another kind of chain reaction. Feel the out-of-control power as you wear the robes of the Honorable Katie Curran O'Malley. Her Curran-ness helped her troubadour husband's mayoral campaign take off. Then, because her husband was the mayor, the governor raised her to the District Court bench. See what favors you can win in this handy mask--and remember, the more clout you use, the more clout you get. Powerful father not included.

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The Avenging Ghoul

You know how in the horror movies, some nice guy dies, and then he's replaced by a creature from the grave that isn't so nice anymore? That's kind of what happened in the state comptroller's office: Benevolent superannuated household name Louis Goldstein passed away, and malevolent superannuated household name William Donald Sch'fer came out of retirement to take over the job. Now the ex-governor is lashing out at the current governor, doing everything from making clucking noises at Parris Glendening in meetings to enticing The Washington Post into reporting on the gov's alleged extramarital affair. So before you go out egg-throwing and stink-bombing, don the mask of Willie Don. Enemies list not included.

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The Ghost of Festivus Past

Halloween, observed in its primal form, reminds us that the boundary between life and death is a slender one. Send a chill through purple-decorated club basements as you go through the neighborhood dressed as Jamal Lewis' left anterior cruciate ligament. Nine months ago, Lewis' sturdy legs were what the Ravens used to batter their foes while the stalwart defense held them down. Now, after one training-camp misstep, those legs are sprung, and so are the hopes of the World Champions. The offense is helpless, the defense is dejected, and the team's record is a feeble 4-3. In the midst of life, we are in third place. Overweening coach not included.

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The Terror of Tinytown

There's nothing quite as scary as a scary clown. Watch children cower and weep when you put on the beaming visage of comics tycoon/civic booster Steve Geppi. This is going to be a happy Halloween, kids! Everybody take off those scowling, frowning masks and put on a smiling face! Now, dammit! If they don't have a smiling mask, give 'em a copy of this one--better yet, sell them a copy of this one. Then take over the neighborhood candy supply. Vanity lifestyle magazine not included.

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By Tom Scocca | Posted 10/31/2001

Ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggedy beasties? Pshaw. Here at Baltimore's Most Affrighted Alternative Weekly, we side with noted master of the macabre Jean-Paul Sartre: Hell is other people. And therefore, we figure, Halloween is other people too. Hence the human faces--and one other body part--in our annual budget-conscious newsprint maskstravaganza. Clip 'em, wear 'em, and let real life scare the neighbors more than any werewolf mask ever could.

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