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Ooh, Scary!

Halloween Masks I

Witches and goblins and ghosts, oh . . . well. You want scary this All Hallow's Eve? Forget Burkittsville and Bruce Willis: Nothing scares folks like politicians, except maybe lawyers and developers. So vote with your face Sunday night, and frighten the bejesus out of your friends and neighbors by posing as either lawyer/politician Martin O'Malley or developer/politician David Tufaro. Better yet, save your mask to wear to the voting booth Tuesday.

Download a larger version of David Tufaro, Download a larger version of Martin O'Malley

You think a lawyer/politician and a developer/politician are frightening? Try a lawyer/developer who used to be a politician, and has all the money in the world to boot. Send state legislators and Orioles fans screaming from the door in terror when you present them with the spectacle of short-fingered vulgarian/baseball laughingstock PETER ANGELOS, demanding not just a piece of candy but a piece of the action. Coterie of yes men not included.

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Power is a pretty intimidating thing, and even more intimidating than a cul-de-sac full of pint-sized Jedi warriors with light sabers at their sides is a long-tenured congresswoman with the weapon of pork-barrel funding at her fingertips. As Barbara Mikulski, you'll be almost as welcome at the homes of working-class East Baltimoreans as at the mansions of aerospace and defense contractors. Flats not included.

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Talk about the spirit of the season: Back when he lived in Cleveland and played for a good baseball team, Albert Belle once got in his car and chased a bunch of egg-throwing Halloween pranksters down the street. Ho! As you can see from this smiling visage, Belle has lightened up considerably since then, so we're sure he won't mind you ringing a few doorbells wearing his face. To make the whole thing extra scary, convince a friend to dress up as a fly ball to right.

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You want scary? How about soulless, life-sucking automatons who enforce mindless conformity with shallow babble and faux concern? You know, like in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Or on local TV news. We don't know about you, but there isn't much that strikes terror into our souls more readily than WJZ anchorbot Denise Koch. Overexposed twins not included.

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Joseph Kohl

Superheroes are always pretty popular around trick-or-treat time, and some folks think Baltimore's got its very own in Kweisi Mfume. Faster than a draft movement! More powerful than a declared candidate! Able to leap mayoral residency requirements in a single bound! (And smart enough to not want the job.) Not to mention the scourge of lily-white network programming— there's something Clark Kent himself probably couldn't manage. Cape and tights not included.

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Jefferson Jackson Steele
Let's face it: No Baltimore cavalcade of costumes would be complete without a nod to the city's goodwill ambassador of bad taste, John Waters. Amuse the folks on your Halloween-party track by dropping dry-humored bon mots, discoursing knowledgeably on the paintings of John Wayne Gacy, and looking damn good smoking. Just don't wear this one to the Rotunda Giant or the Club Charles—no one will even bat an eye.

Click on the face to get a PDF to wear for Halloween. Don't have Adobe Acrobat?

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Posted 10/27/1999

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