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Dohler-Esque

You Can't Tell the Rampaging Aliens, Crusading Sheriffs, Sinister Families, and Sexy Vampires Without a Scorecard

The Alien Factor
Fiend
Nightbeast
Galaxy Invader
Blood Massacre
Alien Rampage
Harvesters
Stakes
Vampire Sisters

By Michael Yockel | Posted 4/23/2003

The Alien Factor (1977) A small rural town experiences a series of gruesome deaths, theorized by the local sheriff to be the work of a deranged bobcat or bear. Turns out that a spaceship has crash-landed, loosing a trio of pitiless zoological extraterrestrials. Seemingly out of nowhere, a stranger arrives on the scene and tracks and confronts the beasts, which, when given half a chance, polish off the townsfolk. Noteworthy factoid: electric toothbrush holder disguised as spaceship.

Fiend (1980) An evil specter enters a graveyard corpse, which rises from the dead. The reanimated body, a music teacher in its previous existence, takes up residence in a suburban community, establishes a thriving tutoring business in a nearby strip mall, and, whenever its metabolic battery begins to lose power and decomposition sets in, recharges itself by snuffing someone. An increasingly suspicious next-door neighbor initiates an investigation, culminating in a grisly final showdown. Noteworthy factoid: prominent product placement for Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

Nightbeast (1983) Another alien crash-lands and goes on a killing spree. A small-town sheriff and his deputies pursue the creature, fending off interference from a meddlesome mayor worried about bad publicity, while, in an unrelated subplot, a good-guy deputy battles a murderous motorcycle thug. Sheriff, deputies, biker, town doctors, and alien congregate for a climax featuring a mega jolt of electricity. Memorable line: "Damn, we're out here in Jarrettsville!"

Galaxy Invader (1985) A benign, amphibious-looking alien lands in a rural area, but local rubes--led by the comic, beer-swilling patriarch of a squabbling family and his too-big-for-his-britches buddy--capture the being, then scheme to cash in on their ET prisoner. These plans, however, are vexed by a college professor and one of his ex-students, who labor to free the creature. Alien, yokels, and the benevolent twosome skirmish in the woods, until the family's matriarch takes matters into her own hands. Memorable line: "I'll bet the Russians would pay a million dollars for this." >

Blood Massacre (1987) A surly quartet of young, small-time crooks on a crime spree--including a psychotic Vietnam vet--hides out at rural home of a seemingly God-fearing nuclear family, holding mom and dad and two daughters hostage. But circumstances turn topsy-turvy as the family reveals itself to be cannibals with a reputation for a prize-winning stew. In a game of which-group-is-more-psychotic, the thugs square off with the pitchfork- and sickle-wielding flesh-lovers. Memorable line: "Between you two and your mother's cooking, I think I'm gonna puke."

Alien Rampage (2000) FBI agents gun down a fleeing fugitive only to discover the alleged perp is a female alien packing a container of stolen uranium 235, which she lifted to repair her spaceship. When one of the G-men takes a remote control-like device from the wounded alien, the spacecraft's mean-looking cyborg is activated. The cyborg establishes an impenetrable force field around a small town, then zaps inhabitants with laser gun or rips them to shreds while chased by the female sheriff, her deputies, and the surviving FBI agent. Notable factoid: Shot on location in cute-as-a-button Havre de Grace.

Harvesters (2001) The same setup as Blood Massacre. This time, though, the boss of the quartet of hoods on the lam is a tough-talking, Gulf War-vet lesbian, and the apparently "normal" family has morphed from cannibals into an enterprising group that offs unsuspecting victims in order to harvest organs for profit. Memorable line: "It's been our family business for more then 30 years."

Stakes (2002) A trio of sexy, form-fitting-attired vampires from a parallel Earth slip through the proverbial crack in the space-time continuum to our planet, closely pursued by a vampire-hunting threesome. The latter group corrals a big-city homicide detective to aid in staking the running-amok bloodsuckers, who are on a campaign to spread their I-love-the-nightlife aesthetic. Noteworthy factoid: Fleeting glimpse of former Creature Feature host Count Gore De Vol on television as a cop channel-surfs.

Vampire Sisters (2003) Three toothsome vampire sisters establish a porn Web site, vampiresisters.com, that includes a Web cam service, charging customers to watch them engage in sundry naughtiness--never, naturally, revealing their fangs. Clients who reach a specified spending threshold receive an e-mail invitation for a session to indulge their particular fantasy or fetish up-close-and-personal at the sisters' home. Once the games begin, however, the sisters exhibit a literal bloodthirstiness. On the case: a man/woman detective team posing as married kinksters. (MY)

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