Halloween Masks II
Creature From the Gluteal Cleft
We don't begrudge the Baron of Buttocks his platinum hair and his platinum record. But where some folks hear a cheerful dance hit about ass-floss, we quake before a Message of Unending DooM. Even before Sisqo got into the act, one fat-bottomed girl popping out a thong nearly unstrung the government of the mightiest nation on Earth. Try on the mask, and thrill to the terrifying power as untold millions follow your command to brandish the barely covered flesh where the sun dares not shine. Skid-mark remover not included.
IT WANTS YOUR HOUSE!
The odor of fear joins the other odors on the banks of Middle River. A ravenous creature is rampaging through the marshes, devouring humble waterfront parcels at the bidding of its wealthy masters. Back lower-middle-class riversiders into a corner and condemn their assets for your fat-cat developer buddies as you wear the mask of Baltimore County Executive C.A. "Dutch" Ruppersberger. A word of caution: So crazed will you be with land-gobbling, you will be deaf to the voters' own Message of Unending DooM as they light torches and storm to the ballot box to end your political career. Government pension not included.
HE IS IRON MAN!
We thought about spoofing it; we thought about quoting bits of it for a clever essay. But, honestly, on the subject of the Eternal Oriole, we couldn't improve on Black Sabbath's original Message of Unending DooM. 3-in-1 Oil not included.
Has he lost his mind?
Can he see or is he blind?
Can he walk at all,
Or if he moves will he fall?
Is he alive or dead?
Has he thoughts within his head?
We'll just pass him there
why should we even care ?
He was turned to steel
in the great magnetic field
Where he traveled time
for the future of mankind
Nobody wants him
He just stares at the world
Planning his vengeance
that he will soon unfurl
Now the time is here
for Iron Man to spread fear
Vengeance from the grave
Kills all the people he once saved
Nobody wants him
They just turn their heads
Nobody helps him
Now he has his revenge
Heavy boots of lead
fills his victims full of dread
Running as fast as they can
Iron Man lives again! *
* Words and music by Frank Iommi, John Osbourne, William Ward, and Terence Butler
© Copyright 1970 (Renewed) and 1974 Westminster Music Ltd., London, England
TRO-Essex Music International, Inc., New York, controls all publication rights for the U.S.A. and Canada. Used by permission
THE THING WITH TWO JOBS
There are certain normal limits politicos obey. Being president of the City Council, for instance, is more than enough to satisfy their hunger: You show up on Monday nights, and in exchange you get 80 large a year, a sweet parking spot on War Memorial Plaza, and the chair of the Board of Estimates, which enables you to take care of your campaign supporters. And you're a heartbeat away from the mayor's office, in the event of a tragic guitar-tuning accident.
But Sheila Dixon wants more, more, more. Which is why, despite the recommendation of a state ethics panel, she clings to her $29,000-a-year part-time state job as an international trade specialist, and the junkets that go with it. Try on our Dixon mask and pretend you're spending three days in New Delhi on the taxpayers' dime. Think of other jobs you can grab, to push your income from the low six figures to the mid-sixes--or higher! Who'll stop you? Your résumé will arrive on a thousand personnel-office desks, a Message of Unending DooM for any one-paycheck peon whose job you fancy. Frequent-flier miles not included.
SPAWN OF THE MACHINE
There are mysterious and invisible forces in this world, shaping the destiny of humankind. Which is why the next gubernatorial election, still two years away, is already over. Harness the dark powers behind the throne as you don the mask of Governor-in-Waiting Kathleen Kennedy Townsend. Feel the ancient power of Clan Kennedy--and the surge of money assembled by current Gov. Parris Glendening on your behalf--flow into your mortal frame. This is a one-party state, and thanks to breeding and brokering, it's your party. Dissident Democrats, wishful Republicans--all can read the writing on the wall: a Message of Unending DooM, if you will. Uncle Teddy not included.
BRINGER OF PESTILENCE
The men of medical science cringed in terror! No, OK, the men of medical science just sorta winced a little bit and tried to point out that the West Nile virus isn't really such a bad disease. Shut up, men of medical science! We want fear! We want horrible diseases on the rampage so we can lock our doors and shut our windows and take inventory of our psychosomatic symptoms. We want massive overkill, clouds of insecticide, the works. Be the deathly life of the party in the guise of a media-sensationalacious dead crow, a walking Message of Unending DooM. Mosquitoes not included.
Thanks For the Memories (12/23/2009)
2007: I had a borderline awful time in Bucharest—and I kind of miss it
Vini Vidi Vito (4/8/2009)
Vito Simone came to Baltimore, saw opportunity, and conjured a real estate fantasy
Preacher, Teacher, Forger, Spy (4/16/2008)
From Bounty Hunter to Bible Thumper, Pastor Anthony Hill Presents a Paradox
Ooh, Scary : Son of the Return of the Incredible Halloween Masks, in 2-D 10/28/2009
Ooh, Scary! : Halloween Masks VIII 10/31/2007
Ooh, Scary! : Halloween Masks VII 10/25/2006
Ooh, Scary! : Halloween Masks VI: A New Beginning 10/26/2005
Ooh, Scary! : Halloween Masks I 10/27/1999
Ooh, Scary! : Halloween Masks III 10/31/2001
Ooh, Scary! : Halloween Masks IV 10/30/2002
Ooh, Scary! : Halloween Masks V 10/29/2003
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