Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Sizzlin Feature

Get Your Drink On

A City Paper Sampler of Cool Summertime, Uh, Refreshment

Sizzlin Summer 2002

Sizzlin' Summer Wet Hot American Fun

Eating Ocean City A Highly Opinionated Culinary Tour of Maryland's Beloved Trailer Park by the Sea | By Michelle Gienow

New Clay Rising Or, Shooting for the Gun-Shy | By Anna Ditkoff

Working Skiffs Overlooked as a Kayaking Destination, Baltimore and the Bay Make for Excellent Native Paddling | By Van Smith

Baywatch Traversing the Waters of the Chesapeake With Those Who Keep it Safe | By Bret McCabe

On Top of the World, Looking Down on Crustaceans 360 Degrees of Baltimore From the Trade Center's Reopened Acme | By Natalie Davis

Tricky Wickets The Hard-hitting World of Six-Wicket Croquet | By Brennen Jensen

Spiritualized Seeking an Enlightened Escape From the Blues at Bon Secours | By Afefe Tyehimba

Get Your Drink On A City Paper Sampler of Cool Summertime, Uh, Refreshment

Summer Rentals Our Critics Pick Hot Blasts of Seasonal Cinema

Freon Flux On the Lost Pleasures of a Grindhouse in Summer | By Ian Grey

Posted 5/22/2002

Soon it will be another hot, sweaty summer in the City That Sizzles. With that in mind, the Research Department here at Baltimore's Thirstiest Alternative Weekly conducted an intensive preflight testing session with the aim of producing a noncomprehensive list of refreshing, amusing, and informative summertime adult beverages to cool the flames of what promises to be an El Niño-rific three months.

Alcoholics, please note: Several of these recipes (for the most part) are equally refreshing and amusing minus the C2H6O, so improvise and enjoy. Alcoholics in denial, please note: There are new, tougher DWI laws in effect in the Land of Pleasant Living, so drink with your head, not over it.

The Alco-Melon
Jam one of those utensils with the round serrated blade that you use to juice fruit into a medium-sized watermelon. While the watermelon juice is running out, cut two holes in the top of the melon and add two fifths of vodka, gin, or light rum. Eat the melon.*

* Perfect for your next cookout.**

** Except that it almost never works.

Teeny-Weeny Bellini
Fill a flute-shaped glass a quarter full of cognac, another quarter full of peach schnapps, then to the top with chilled champagne.*

* Warning No. 1: Small sips or else.**

** Warning No. 2: Use top shelf or even the small sips will hurt later.

The Oswald
Mix cheap merlot and cranberry juice over ice in a pint glass.*

* Tastes like Smarties. The signature drink of Rob Oswald, local drummer (Buttsteak, Lee Harvey Keitel Band, Karma to Burn), sometime club doorman, and bon vivant.

Rainbow Surprise
To a pint glass with some ice, add a scoop of rainbow sherbet, a scoop of fruit cocktail (drained), some 7 Up, and a shot or two of your favorite hard liquor. Stir.*

* Mmmmm . . . rainbow sherbet.

French Martini
Mix one part each amaretto, Grand Marnier, and Chambord. Add sour mix to taste.*

* We learned this version of the Gallic cocktail from the bar manager at the Brass Elephant. It's like drinking a melted popsicle.

Mexican Martini
Mix three ounces chilled tequila, three ounces orange juice, one and a half ounces each of Grand Marnier and Triple Sec, lime juice to taste (half a lime moderately squeezed seems to work), and a splash of olive juice. Shake well with ice, strain into two salt-rimmed glasses, and call a taxi. You won't be driving home.*

* Our source on this one is a Texan, who, because Texans believe they do everything better, insists on the following:

Use a lighter-colored tequila, but not the cheap stuff--you want shot quality at least.

Fresh-squeezed OJ, and nothing less.

Cointreau can be substituted for Triple Sec if you wanna go all out. And if you're gonna drop a bundle on the tequila and squeeze the oranges, why wouldn't you want to go all out?

Fill a martini glass with gin or vodka. Finish with chartreuse and a maraschino cherry.*

* It's a martini, and it's green. And after a couple, you will be too.

In a suitably large container* mix:

· a box of red box wine;

· a magnum of better red wine;

· eight ounces each of brandy and white port;

· a quart each of orange juice and cranberry juice;

· an ounce or two each of lemon juice and lime juice;

· a quart each of pineapple soda, club soda, and ginger ale;

· sliced lemons, limes, Valencia oranges, and apples and a cut-up fresh pineapple;

· lots of ice.

* We suggest a five-gallon Igloo water-cooler container. We also suggest you do the fruit prep first, then secure all sharp objects.

Mangria (or humangria, if you will)
Same as above, with the addition of a six-pack of Red Bull.*

* If your goal is to be drunk and alert. The brainchild of occasional City Paper contributor Mel Guapo, and a big crowd-pleaser at large, all-day or all-night social gatherings.

Heat equal parts water and sugar in a saucepan until it thickens into a syrup. Mix two parts tequila, two parts lime juice*, and one part Triple Sec over ice in a cocktail shaker. Add sugar syrup to taste. Serve on the rocks, in a margarita glass (with the wide rim), with salt.**

* Real lime juice. Not Rose's, or the stuff in the plastic lime. Get out the juicer and squeeze, you lazy bum.

** Otherwise, it is not a margarita. Sorry.

Pimm's Cup
Mix one measure Pimm's No.1 and three measures ginger ale over ice. Garnish with one slice lemon, one slice cucumber, one slice apple, and fresh mint.*

* An elegant, refined summer drink. Serve in lieu of ridiculous faux-genteel drinks like the mint julep and the black-eyed Susan.

Mix equal parts Zima and Kamchatka Vodka in a pint glass.*

* An incredibly affordable potable.

Ti Punch
Mix a jigger or so of rum (light or dark), a splash of sugar-cane syrup (try a Caribbean grocery), and a squeeze of lime juice into a shot glass. Swizzle and swallow whole.*

* Swilling practically straight rum in the hot sun doesn't seem like a good idea. And yet, this is pretty much the national drink of the French West Indies, where they know a thing or two about what to do in the hot sun. And after the first one, it starts to seem like a better idea. We don't really remember what happens after the second one.

Purple Jesus
Line a garbage can with a green garbage bag. Mix one part Everclear to five parts mixture of grape Kool-Aid and ginger ale (optional).*

* Mixing Kool-Aid and alcohol is never a good idea.

Recipes courtesy of mixmasters Anna Ditkoff, Mel Guapo, Hyun-Sik Lim, Joe MacLeod, Andy Markowitz, Bret McCabe, Van Smith, Afefe Tyehimba, and the people they stole them from, only some of whom were in motorcycle gangs. Special thanks to Mr. Bobbi Studducci for taking time out of his busy schedule to attend the testing session.

Related stories

Sizzlin Feature archives

More Stories

Sizzlin' Summer (5/19/2010)
Our annual comprehensive guide to surviving, thriving, and diverting yourself until September

The Scenic Route (5/19/2010)
Rediscovering the countryside from a skinny-ass bike seat

Parks and Rec (5/19/2010)

Related by keywords

Clipper City's 1st Beer, Cheese, and Chili Festival in Feedbag 2/26/2009

Belgian Beer Festival at Max's Taphouse in Feedbag 2/13/2009

Best Cocktail : The Old Fashioned At Henninger's Tavern 9/17/2008

Best Cocktail Menu : Pepino's 9/17/2008

Best Local Bottled Beer : Clipper City Oxford Organics 9/17/2008

Best Blueberry Beer : The Dog Pub 9/17/2008

Best Local Draft Beer : Oliver's Anniversary Best Bitter 9/17/2008

Best Beer Selection : Racers Café 9/17/2008

Best Opportunity For Free Whiskey : Alexander's 9/17/2008

Best Cheap Drinks : Penny a Pint Night At Patrick's 9/17/2008

Tags: booze

Comments powered by Disqus
CP on Facebook
CP on Twitter