Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Eat Feature

Restaurant Women's Rooms Reviews as Told to Me by My Girlfriend

Emily Flake

Eat Special Issue 2005

Stuff It City Paper’s Annual Guide to Filling Your Face

Get Stuffed The Restaurants A-Z

Restaurants With Live Music or DJs Where That's a Good Thing We thought about making a category for places not to go with live music or DJs. So many restaurants ... | By Richard Gorelick

Restaurants to Go to On a Date When You're Hoping It'll End in Drunken Groping There are a handful of restaurants which understand that the key to a good date is to not give your ... | By Rebecca Alvania

Restaurants to Hit When Someone Else Is Picking Up the Tab Baltimore has a ton of affordable dining options, but sometimes we all want a totally pampering culi... | By Anna Ditkoff

Restaurants to Take Out-of-Towners to When They Start Screaming for Crab No matter how much you try to avoid it, sooner or later the inevitable is going to happen. You will ... | By Rebecca Alvania

Restaurants Where You Can Check Your E-mail While You Eat When the city announced in 2003 that the Inner Harbor was going wireless, there was an awful lot of ... | By Rebecca Alvania

Places to Get a Slice of Pizza If you're like us, sometimes you're plowing through your daily 483 things to do when you realize tha... | By Bret McCabe

Restaurants Where You Can Grab Food for a Sofa Picnic Ever hungry for restaurant-quality food but just don't frigging feel like sitting in a restaurant to... | By Michelle Gienow

Restaurants to B-More Meatless Despite the much-lamented passing of the Pimlico vegan soul food express Hook-Up Rastarant, Baltimor... | By Eric Allen Hatch

Restaurant Women's Rooms Reviews as Told to Me by My Girlfriend I'm in love with a woman for whom the term “high maintenance” barely approximates how demanding she ... | By Bret McCabe

Restaurants With Creamy Dips You Can Order at the Bar Sometimes you don't want a meal, but you want more than a snack. Sometimes you feel like getting out... | By Bret McCabe

Restaurants He'll Take You to Before He Stops Taking You to Restaurants The beginning of a relationship is a restaurant wonderland. It seems like every night you're going t... | By Anna Ditkoff

Restaurants Where You Don't Have to Finish Your Meal to Get Dessert The continuing absence from our culinary landscape of a top-flight dessert restaurant is mystifying.... | By Richard Gorelick

Eat 2005

By Bret McCabe | Posted 3/2/2005

I'm in love with a woman for whom the term “high maintenance” barely approximates how demanding she can be. (Sorry, guys: She's mine.) She's also got a bladder the size of a dried green split pea. As in, one time she used the Mount Royal Tavern men's room because waiting wasn't an option. (Again, back off, boys: She's spoken for.) So anytime we're away from the house to, say, grab a bite to eat, nature inevitably calls. And because I'm always the person waiting for her when she returns, I am the recipient of impromptu impressions of Baltimore facilities that I will probably never see with mine own eyes.


“Small but cute. I think they crammed, like, three stalls in there, but they weren't too narrow and they were very well lit, because you're a woman and you're having dinner, so you check yourself afterwards.”

Bangkok Place

“I'm indifferent to that one, actually, but they make a little bit of an effort with decoration. Not much, but a little bit. And the lighting is awful. Florescent lighting is just never a good idea. Spend the extra dollar on a bulb and make it better.”

Brass Elephant

“They got nice big mirrors and the stalls are big enough, which is good if you're heavy or, I don't know, pregnant. Some places have stalls that are just, are you kidding me. Not here.”

Caesar's Den

“Ugh--your knees are touching the door.”

Café Hon

“Café Hon is nice because it's cute and kitschy. It's got some flamingos and it's well thought out vs. a lot of other places where you'd think there'd be decorations but instead they're just sterile. And the fact that it's signed women's, as opposed to other places where they don't do anything or put some stupid picture on the door.”

Double-T Diner

“The Double T I like because they have the double doors as you walk in, so if you're a diner around there you don't hear constant flushing. But the sinks are a little inconvenient and they're not really where they should be.”


“I like Ixia a lot because it's the old Louie's--it's those big stalls, there's lots of color. It's kinda dim, but that's OK because you're in a dim restaurant. But it's very inconvenient. Lots of steps, and if you've got to go you've got to go.”

Lexington Market

“Junkies. Need I say more?”


“It's little, but I really like it because it's got the pretty curtains that you go through to go inside. But it is unisex, so there's that.”

New Wyman Park Restaurant

“You might as well be in a fucking coffin. And it's gross and they never clean it.”

Ocean Pride

“They were decent sized and weren't awful, but they didn't have any wipes. You're at a crab house, there should be some hand wipes in the bathroom. Old Bay shouldn't touch certain parts.”

Pacific Rim

“It was OK, and it's got the car seating, which has its own kitschy charm. If you wanted to, say while you're peeing, have someone watch you, it's got this seat part from, like, an old Buick or something. It's kind of odd, and you're sitting there thinking, OK . . .

Related stories

Eat Feature archives

More Stories

Price Point (3/3/2010)
EAT: City Paper's annual dining guide

Central (3/3/2010)

Harbor Area (3/3/2010)

More from Bret McCabe

Unnatural Wonders (7/7/2010)
Soledad Salamé's works become more persuasive through distortions

That Nothing You Do (6/23/2010)
Will Eno embraces the banality of everything

All Eyes on Him? (6/16/2010)
John Potash's The FBI War on Tupac Shakur and Black Leaders offers a different version of the slain rapper

Comments powered by Disqus
CP on Facebook
CP on Twitter